Sunday, April 30, 2006

It's strange how I feel about things. I never get angry, I barely ever get sad.... But now it's all I am. Last few days I been filled with spite, bitterness, and a thirst for justice, whatever that is... but now it's just a void. I think I said everything that needs to be said, and now I just have to live with the actions of others.... isn't it amazing how the actions of others can affect us? I mean, I don't think much is stronger then having a memorable history with a person. Remembering parties, times on trips..... that one time everyone was playing with fire and getting drunk. Then realizing it was all for naught in the end. I just need to learn how to deal with such a feeling...

I did find out I have a much higher maturity then I thought. I can take a deep breath, tell myself to count to ten, and it may not work every time.... I did compose myself, and I wasn't afraid to ask for help. That's where it really matters.

In my time of need, I have always looked to my friends for help, because I don't know what, or if anything God has planned for me... Whatever it is I hope it's better then what is going on right now. In the end, I understand high potential chaos was led to me by misdirection and confusion by a second party. Now it helps me understand what I believe in a little more, and I feel we have much more freewill then I originally thought (just to clarify, I always believed in freewill, but intuition was something else)... Now I think much of what we feel is chemically induced, and the soul is bit more hidden.... but today I don't know if I have one, so I may have to do some digging around to see where I left it.

On a larger note, all of a sudden my side projects are slowly going back into swing. I cooked yesterday.... I actually cooked again. I also made a couple mixed drinks up in Mt. P, danced at the Wayside, and happily went to a party filled with strangers to simply mingle and hang out with mah good and trusted friends. I haven't felt so good in weeks and weeks... It kept my mind off things, y'know? I was distracted, no dwelling (or at least very little) took place. Not to mention I now have a trunk filled with vodka, triple sec, cranberry and orange juice.... I ran out of lime juice.... but yeah, we all did a few shots (I did 10), had a few drinks, a couple of us danced.... partied.... it helped me out... I'm not really back, I just pretend to be, but I'm on my way to recovery. The biggest downside was Rachel, Anna, and I did not get to sleep until about 5:30 or so (in teh morning bitch!).,... we had to be up at 9:30-9:40.... ugh, luckily it wasn't too bad, with Rachel riding with me, and our yelling of "Lady in Red" all was good for the drive.

Now I need to look at myself, and see what is changed, and what is staying the same.... I need to know where I am on trust levels between people now, I need to be more selective.... stick to personalities a little more stable and not quite as socially problematic. I'm tired of being a good guy all the time and making an attempt at helping.... I may get back into it, but right now I just want to communicate with people who really understand me...

...and that reminds me, I been doing some thinking, and I actually wonder if my ex actually knew who I was. I mean, apparently God led her to me, or so that is the theory, but why? She jumped at the chance to date me... no questions asked. Of course I thought she would be the one who could help me out of this slump, and teach me what it means to be human and closer to spiritual enlightenment, but now I do feel more human, but further from where I want to be. I don't think God would bring someone to me so I will push it away.... but I also know I have been understanding more and more what it means to be a good person with a foundation on whatever waits us.... but I have understood it at this level for a few weeks now, so it doesn't really count, does it?

So I'm going to recover, it will take time, but I'll be ok. The next big step is for me to work myself back to my usualy "normalities." I'm slowly getting back to eating, and I can sleep pretty decent again, but I have too much trouble when I'm alone... so I want to take the oppurtunity to mention all of you who here for me. You are the real loves of my life, I would rather marry all of you right now then try to meet a strange new girl at some random location to date.... I really do appretiate all of you, I don't know what I would do without you. The other day when I had my nervous breakdown, it was my friends who kept me going... thank you.

I love you!


posted @ 7:04 PM

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Grand Master Funk