Sunday, April 30, 2006

It's strange how I feel about things. I never get angry, I barely ever get sad.... But now it's all I am. Last few days I been filled with spite, bitterness, and a thirst for justice, whatever that is... but now it's just a void. I think I said everything that needs to be said, and now I just have to live with the actions of others.... isn't it amazing how the actions of others can affect us? I mean, I don't think much is stronger then having a memorable history with a person. Remembering parties, times on trips..... that one time everyone was playing with fire and getting drunk. Then realizing it was all for naught in the end. I just need to learn how to deal with such a feeling...

I did find out I have a much higher maturity then I thought. I can take a deep breath, tell myself to count to ten, and it may not work every time.... I did compose myself, and I wasn't afraid to ask for help. That's where it really matters.

In my time of need, I have always looked to my friends for help, because I don't know what, or if anything God has planned for me... Whatever it is I hope it's better then what is going on right now. In the end, I understand high potential chaos was led to me by misdirection and confusion by a second party. Now it helps me understand what I believe in a little more, and I feel we have much more freewill then I originally thought (just to clarify, I always believed in freewill, but intuition was something else)... Now I think much of what we feel is chemically induced, and the soul is bit more hidden.... but today I don't know if I have one, so I may have to do some digging around to see where I left it.

On a larger note, all of a sudden my side projects are slowly going back into swing. I cooked yesterday.... I actually cooked again. I also made a couple mixed drinks up in Mt. P, danced at the Wayside, and happily went to a party filled with strangers to simply mingle and hang out with mah good and trusted friends. I haven't felt so good in weeks and weeks... It kept my mind off things, y'know? I was distracted, no dwelling (or at least very little) took place. Not to mention I now have a trunk filled with vodka, triple sec, cranberry and orange juice.... I ran out of lime juice.... but yeah, we all did a few shots (I did 10), had a few drinks, a couple of us danced.... partied.... it helped me out... I'm not really back, I just pretend to be, but I'm on my way to recovery. The biggest downside was Rachel, Anna, and I did not get to sleep until about 5:30 or so (in teh morning bitch!).,... we had to be up at 9:30-9:40.... ugh, luckily it wasn't too bad, with Rachel riding with me, and our yelling of "Lady in Red" all was good for the drive.

Now I need to look at myself, and see what is changed, and what is staying the same.... I need to know where I am on trust levels between people now, I need to be more selective.... stick to personalities a little more stable and not quite as socially problematic. I'm tired of being a good guy all the time and making an attempt at helping.... I may get back into it, but right now I just want to communicate with people who really understand me...

...and that reminds me, I been doing some thinking, and I actually wonder if my ex actually knew who I was. I mean, apparently God led her to me, or so that is the theory, but why? She jumped at the chance to date me... no questions asked. Of course I thought she would be the one who could help me out of this slump, and teach me what it means to be human and closer to spiritual enlightenment, but now I do feel more human, but further from where I want to be. I don't think God would bring someone to me so I will push it away.... but I also know I have been understanding more and more what it means to be a good person with a foundation on whatever waits us.... but I have understood it at this level for a few weeks now, so it doesn't really count, does it?

So I'm going to recover, it will take time, but I'll be ok. The next big step is for me to work myself back to my usualy "normalities." I'm slowly getting back to eating, and I can sleep pretty decent again, but I have too much trouble when I'm alone... so I want to take the oppurtunity to mention all of you who here for me. You are the real loves of my life, I would rather marry all of you right now then try to meet a strange new girl at some random location to date.... I really do appretiate all of you, I don't know what I would do without you. The other day when I had my nervous breakdown, it was my friends who kept me going... thank you.

I love you!


posted @ 7:04 PM

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Saturday, April 29, 2006
Yup. I'm still alive, barely.

It just seems everytime my life is going good, something bad happens.... I've had enough a month ago when my brain was swelling. Now I'm just a shell, and need you guys more then ever. Help me.


posted @ 10:45 AM

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I'm signle and doing just fine.

I'm also healed up.

So I'm single, I'm healed.... let's roll.


posted @ 9:10 PM

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Friday, April 14, 2006
I started head treatments today.... I had 12 shots in the mouth, and one in the nose.... THE NOSE!

My head hurts so bad, it really does... and my face is mildly numb and I can't drive.

God wants me to die, but nobody will let me.


posted @ 9:56 PM

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Sorry for the lack of updates... nothing has really happened...

except I'm going to die very soon.


Yup, you heard it, Jeff is going to die... or at least it feels like it. Ok, get this. In december, I'm put on my new happy tendanitus medication with a few wonderful side effects. First, I had flu like symptoms for about two days around Christmas. Next, kidney stones... now my brain has swollen up about 8% or so and it is causing constant headache, hallucinations (cars coming down an empty road), unexplainable fatigue, loss of appitite, and constant daydreaming feelings. The headaches are bad, some are migraines, and last two-three days.... then it gets worse. The doctors tell me if I don't recover from this, I have a chance of having a stroke because the arteries are getting pinched or something like that. Well, about five days go by and all of a sudden I have even MORE difficulty to eat. I just have no interest in it.... then it happens.... huge migraine... and a soar throat. I spend three days in Mt. P during a huge party weekend in a non-fun comatose state. I eventually leave A 21st BIRTHDAY PARTY EARLY! I never once get drunk, and I never once eat a decent meal. My head was killing me, and my throat felt like it was on fire. So I come home, raid my place in STC for meds, and lock myself in at home in Carrollton. I go to work Monday, but the teachers tell me I'm in such bad shape that I look like a walking corpse and think I should go home..... so I do, the next day (today), my boss tells me to see a doctor and take as much time of as needed (I have a great boss)... I go to the doctor... and on top of brain swelling, I have toncilitus (spelling) and Strep Throat..... he prescribes me medicine but because of insurance confusion I don't get it till later... well during that time my airways in my throat close and I nearly suffocate a few times until I force them open with jello and water in high doses.

Well I get the medicine... and I have a shitload of it. Stuff for my head (including the weekly shot), my throat, and my mouth and palatte. I am on a total of seven medications... but it should be coming down to two very soon. But I swear, you guys are the best. I never thought I was actually cared for, it means a lot to me (I always figured I was an expendable muse). I love you guys!

Well, I got medication, lets hope I can recover fully.

Six more days or so and I'm out of the "in danger of having a stroke" zone.


posted @ 8:52 PM

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Grand Master Funk